That’s Not How This Works

Hello everyone!


Today, I have a little Watch-Me-Juggle-style rant for you, dear readers. All of this dawned on me the other day, when I realized I was channeling the lady above. Has everyone seen that Esurance commercial? It depicts an older lady posting her vacation photos to her “wall”— literally the wall of her living room, and verbally “unfriending” her friends.

Over the last month or so, I’ve been repeating the above phrase. While it’s sometimes in awe, sometimes in irritation, I really can’t bottle it in anymore. So, I give you:

“That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works!”

Drivers who drive on the shoulder of the freeway to avoid traffic. I’ve become that person who will edge over to block you. You’re not allowed to make up your own lanes, and cut in front of people in traffic. You’re just not.


Manspreading, mansplaining, manterrupting. I do not have time for this. Sit in your seat like an adult and talk to me like an adult, or I will be forced to plop my purse in your lap in protest.


Assuming that everyone on Facebook shares your opinions. Please share every offensive thing that comes to mind and don’t think about how it affects people.


Refusing to eat the crust of the delicious, fancy bread they serve you at restaurants, just eating the insides, and leaving the rest like bones on your plate. I’m sorry to say I’ve seen this happen. Why?!


Those people who refuse to learn new things and prefer to depend on others. My mother used to tell me that learning is a never-ending process that lasts a lifetime. It’s true! (Or should be.)


Kids that don’t know how to push buttons. What are you doing with your childhood? Mine pretty much revolved around the moments where adults let me push buttons. Please don’t pet the phone like it’s a touch screen, it makes me sad.


Don’t put paper/metal products in the microwave. Sure, I’m guilty of this, but the few times I’ve started small fires in the kitchen, I wish this little old lady had been there to tell me that “that’s not how this works.”


Don’t drink those foofy milkshake drinks from your local Starbucks and call it coffee. It is an abomination. Also, it’s dessert, let’s be real.


Rant over. That’s all for now, but I’m sure I’ll wake up in the middle of the night having thought of more things to add. That’s really not how that should work. Oh well..



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