The Sad Jeans.

Hey y’all. (Am Southern today)

I’m sure you have all heard the expression ‘skinny jeans.’

Now, I don’t mean skinny jeans as in the kind you have to peel off your body like a banana; the popular leggings-masquerading-as-denim kind. I’m talking about the skinny jeans that you save in the back of your closet, your “goal weight” jeans, as it were. The jeans that you fit in in high school and will shove yourself back into one day. Well, I don’t have a pair of skinny jeans. I have something I like to call “sad jeans.”


Sad jeans are the jeans I fit into on those days I’ve decided that eating is for wussies. Days when I’m too sad about life to function, and my best friends become frosting with a spoon sticking out of it and bottle of champagne.

Now, being as my usual body type is close to stick figure with absurd boobs comically stuck on the front, if I have too many of these days, I will comically deflate, and the only pants that will fit me are my sad jeans. Don’t get me wrong, just because I call them my sad jeans doesn’t mean that they look sad. There are no suspicious stains or holes. They are not over-sized and don’t drag on the ground behind me. They are the darkest, tightest, spanx-looking jeans I could find, so low rise that the fly measures under two inches. (Note that if I am having a regular day and wear sad jeans, things get really uncomfortable fast). Sad jeans are so tight they are like a big hug. They say to me “It’s okay if you’re lonely, because I’m here, and I make your flat butt look good.” Throw on your favorite lipstick and you’re ready to go. Never mind that I can only wear sad jeans when all of my other jeans need to be scrunched up around my hips with a belt in order to stay up.

The good thing is is that sad jeans have not made an appearance in my life for quite a while, although they do make an occasional show on laundry day. As Stephen Chbosky put it: “So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”

There are some days when it’s easy to be carefree, days where you can buy flowers, and bake a cake for yourself. Visit a new city and see all the different faces and places. And some days where it’s not so easy. But, for me, that’s what altogether too much eyeliner and a sharp outfit is for. When in doubt, bust out the sad jeans and start being a little kinder to yourself.



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